Believe

I need you to believe in me
'til there's nothing left of us
oh I need you to believe in me

and I'm not running anymore
I'll stand to face it all
I'll fight for every breath
until there's nothing left of us

and oh
I need you to believe

“So, what happened back there?” Faye asked as she followed Spike through the doorway that led to the common room.

They were just returned from a stake-out on Callisto. The bounty was a 10,000-woolong bounty head named Andalf Gandaamen, a smooth-talking small-time criminal wanted for embezzlement of funds from a biotech company. She and Spike had chased him all the way to the frigid crater town of Jumo, where there was nothing to be found except for broken glass and broken lives crushed together in a mucky mess, making them all edgy and irritable. Just before cornering Gandaamen in an abandoned warehouse on the rough outskirts of the docking region, he’d said something to Spike that only the two of them could hear. Whatever was said, it ticked Spike off something good, and it took the strength of both Jet and herself to calm Spike down so that Gandaamen stayed alive long enough for them to collect on the bounty on his head. Afterwards, back on the Bebop, she had asked him about what had happened, but he adamantly refused to talk about it.

“Not now, Faye,” he grumbled in that deep voice of his. His trademark aloofness was surprisingly absent, though she knew that he was deliberately trying to put her off.

“Oh, keep your shirt on”, she retorted, glaring daggers into his back as he shuffled over to the worn yellow couch.

He ignored her and sank down into the cushions and closed his eyes as if preparing for a long nap. After all of the time they’d spent together on this ship, she knew that he was trying to piss her off by ignoring her.

She sat on the steps and pulled a nail file from her pocket. Bounty hunting was hell on her nails and she liked her hands to look good. As she buffed, she looked over at the couch, watching him from under her lashes as he lay with his hands clasped behind his head. He wasn’t sleeping, that she knew.

Spike had his dark side, brooding and uncommunicative, when he even shut Jet out, choosing to lie motionless on the couch, staring up at the ceiling fan as if the answer to life would be found somewhere in those revolving blades. Faye hated it when he was like this, but, she reasoned, life inside a syndicate must have made him like that, living on the front line where showing any emotion or divulging any personal information could cost you your life, or even worse, loss of respect of the others. Since she had known him, he’d never been that much of a talker, and he never told her anything about himself. What little that she did know, she had gleaned from the situations that they had found themselves in during the course of their lives on the Bebop.

Spike didn’t like showing weakness of any kind. Even though he no longer lived the syndicate life, remnants still lived within him, leaving him shell shocked and emotionally damaged. He rarely allowed anyone to get a glimpse of what he held inside. She understood because she could be like that sometimes as well.

She turned her attention back to her nails, stealing a glance every now and then at his face. When his silence became unbearable, she got up and stomped over to the couch, standing over him. He wasn’t in the syndicate any more, dammit, and his silence was making her angry.

“I want to know right now, what happened to you back there?” she pressed as she waited for him to answer her. When no answer was forthcoming, she leaned forward and sideswiped his head with the flat of her hand, then leaned back on her heels and waited, her hands on her hips.

Spike’s eyes sprung open and he stared up at her in disbelief, a spark of suppressed amusement flaring up in his natural eye. His thin lips curled into a half grin.

“Well?” She demanded tersely. “Spit it out already.”

Spike started to speak, but seemed to think better of it. “Faye, didn’t your mother tell you that patience is a virtue?”

“Idiot,” Faye scoffed. “You know I don’t remember anything from my other life.”

He watched her for a moment. “Yeah,” he said softly, regret battling for its position to replace the aloof expression on his face. He reached up and grabbed her hand, pulling her down to sit next to him.

She glared at him, insult ready to fly from her mouth.

“Give me a break and chill, Faye,” he said, meeting her gaze. He released her arm and leaned back, not breaking eye contact.

Disconcerted, she broke the stare as the retort died on her lips. He obviously was not going to tell her anything, so she chose to ignore him instead. I wonder, she mused as she lost herself in a sudden memory. What would I have been like if I had never gotten on that shuttle?

Instead, here she was, some fifty odd years beyond her time, sitting next to a tight-lipped bounty hunter like Spike, who rarely allowed anyone to get a glimpse of what he held inside. She understood because she was like that as well.

She thought back to the day he had left, when she had tried telling him about her returning memories, those fleeting remembrances coming back in incomplete drifts and wisps and the feeling of belonging. Since he came back, she noticed that the boys more often “forgot” to remind her that she was not a part of the crew, and treated her like one of them.

“Stop staring”, Spike mumbled, eyes closed.

“How do you know I'm looking at you?” she snarled, her cheeks reddening. She hadn’t even realized that she had been watching him and she wondered how his senses were so acute even when he looked like he was sleeping.

“You're not a very quiet watcher, Faye,” he retorted, cracking open an eye to peer at her. “I can hear you looking from way over here.” He closed his eyes again. “Me on the other hand,” he continued as he stretched his long legs forward to plop them on the table before him. “I was born to hear all and see all.”

“Yeah right,” she said sarcastically. “As much as you sleep.”

“Don't hate me because I'm better at it than you,” he told her. “Now leave me in peace.”

Faye looked around for something to throw at him. Spying his cigarettes on the table, she grinned. She'd found something better, namely, his nearly full pack that she'd smoke up instead. She cunningly reached over to snag the pack, and jumped when, out of nowhere, his hand slapped down on top of hers.

“No, you don't,” he drawled lazily, sliding the pack out from under her hand.

She glared at him, miffed at not being quicker than him, since she didn't have any more of her own.

“Aww, come on Spike, have a heart and spare me a few,” she whined, trying to wheedle her way into his cold heart.

“Get your own.”

That was when the sweet sense of belonging hit home.

Sleep Tight

Just let go
Run
They are whispering
Never surrender.
Never give in
In flashes of lightning
You will shine
Do as you want
Do what you want

---

Faye stirred faintly as the dream floated just beneath the surface of consciousness. She was on an island awash in verdant green and turquoise, a steamy breeze washing in from the sea. She lay outstretched on a lounger in the suffocating heat, drenched from the neck down in the melon suntan oil that she had picked up that morning, with her eyes closed and a contented smile on her face. As she breathed in the salty aroma of sea air she could detect the faint smells of fish cooking from somewhere on the island.

Faye’s fingers curled slightly as she squirmed into a more comfortable position, and her dream faded slowly into present reality, in her room aboard the Bebop. As she became aware of a warm presence at her back, she groaned. Damn that Ein! How did he get in here? She wriggled backwards to nudge the mutt away.

“Get your ass out of my bed Ein!” she complained as she pushed harder. To her surprise, she did not hear a squeak but a deep grunt.

“What the-” she shot up to peer behind her. She nearly jumped out of her skin.

Definitely not Ein – too long, too large, and Ein certainly hadn’t sprouted messy green fur overnight. Spike was curled on his side facing her, his head sunk into the feather pillow – her feather pillow.

Faye nudged him. He grunted but didn’t move. She elbowed him in the chest. “Spike, wake up!”

He cracked open one eye and squinted at her, his mouth turned down into a pout. “Quit yapping, I’m trying to sleep.” He turned over and slammed the pillow over his head.

She stared at his back, her hand itching to move. “Spike, what are you doing in here?” she asked, suspicion bordering on disgust in her voice

“Looks to me like I’m tryin’ to sleep,” he mumbled from beneath the pillow.

“You can’t sleep in here. You have your own room.” She leaned over and pushed him towards the edge of the narrow bed. Gods, he was heavy.

Spike gripped the edge of the bed to keep from falling out as the pillow fell to the floor. “So you’re kicking a tired saved-your-ass bounty hunter who needs his sleep out of a warm, comfortable snooze-”

“Yes.” Faye responded through clenched teeth. Already the tension was setting in, washing away all the benefits that her peaceful dream had brought her. And it was entirely his fault.

“Aww, Faye, be a pal,” Spike shifted slowly, turning to squint up at her.

“Why are you here?” she asked harshly, eyes burning into his.

He stared back, refusing to break eye contact. “Don’t you remember?” he asked, smiling that insufferable smile that she despised.

Her glare faltered for just a second. Then in a flash she grabbed her pillow, mashing it into his face.

His survival instincts obviously kicked into gear because just as swiftly he had sprung up and grabbed her shoulders, slamming her against the bed.

“What are you doing, Faye?” he demanded. “Are you trying to kill me?” His eyes smoldered as he stared down at her.

She tensed and bent her leg to knee him where it would cause damage, but he stopped her, pinning her in place as he grabbed her arms. She struggled to free herself, but his angry grip was tight. Knowing that she could not best him on even on an ordinary day, much less when he was this angry, she let her body go limp and impassively gazed back at him, knowing how much he hated when she looked at him like that.

“I thought I’d help you achieve your desire to die,” she said innocently.

Spike scowled and released her, falling back against the bed. “Faye, go away. Leave me alone.”

“This is my room. You leave,” she said, watching him.

He stared up at her with hooded eyes. She tried not to squirm under his gaze, unable to read his mood, although she had a pretty good idea that he was pissed.

“Would you get out so that I can get dressed?” she asked vehemently, attempting to cover up his discomfort.

“Alright.” He sat up abruptly, swinging his legs to the floor. “Be a bitch.” He stalked to the door and slammed on the panel, not sparing her a second glance.

Faye watched his retreating figure, feeling a sense of defeat as she watched him walk away. It reminded her of another time he’d left, when she knew he wasn’t coming back. She wanted to be able to talk to him freely and honestly, but all she felt when he was near her, was vulnerable and unsure.

***

Spike stormed through the hallway and descended the stairs towards the couch. He grabbed the box of cigarettes from the table and sank down. y. He lit up and took a deep drag, exhaling smoke and some of his tension from dealing with Faye. His relief at finding her the evening before was tempered with a strange mix of anxiety and anger at her. Frustrated, he inhaled again. He wanted her to know that he was glad she was back, but any words that he thought to say felt awkward, and that angered him because he prided himself on his self-assured demeanor in all situations. Faye made him uncertain and he couldn’t figure out why. Thinking about her produced an uncomfortable feeling that rose up from the pit of his stomach. He didn’t want to acknowledge it, but deep down, he knew what it was.

He was so lost in thought that he didn’t notice that Faye had come into the room. She stood at the top of the stairs, watching him silently. His eyes locked onto hers. He swallowed, the edginess returning as they stared at each other. Finally, she spoke.

“So, Spike …” she glared at him.

“So, Faye.” He glared back.

She sighed, coming down the stairs to join him on the couch.

“Got another one of those?” She refused to look at him, her eyes on the ceiling as she held out her hand and waited.

Spike stared at her momentarily, then he shot her an unguarded, spontaneous grin as he placed a cigarette in her hand.

Come Down in Time

Memories 

In the quiet silent seconds
I turned off the light switch
And I came down to meet you
in the half light the moon left

While a cluster of night jars
sang some songs out of tune
A mantle of bright light
shone down from a room

Come down in time I still hear her say
So clear in my ear like it was today
Come down in time was the message she gave
Come down in time and I'll meet you half way

Well I don't know if I should have heard her as yet
But a true love like hers is a hard love to get
And I've walked most all the way and I ain't heard her call
And I'm getting to thinking if she's coming at all

Come down in time I still hear her say
So clear in my ear like it was today
Come down in time was the message she gave
Come down in time and I'll meet you half way

There are women and women and some hold you tight
While some leave you counting the stars in the night

Music by Elton John and lyrics by Bernie Taupin

---

Spike Spiegel leaned over the railing on the hangar of the Bebop, cigarette burning orange as he inhaled the smoke deep into his lungs. He stared up at the stars that flickered in the Mars sky. His mind wandered to another starlit night that felt so long ago.

He waited for her as he watched the moon cast shadows over the gravestones. She’d left him a message to meet her there, that she needed to see him. Both of them knew that if Vicious got wind of it, there’d be hell to pay.

“Spike.”

She called his name. He’d heard her approaching in the darkness, his heart stilling as she came closer. He turned to face her and drew her into his arms, his lips brushing lightly across her hair, inhaling the scent of her. They remained that way for a time, listening to the sounds of the night and their own hearts beating…

Spike sighed and tossed the spent cigarette butt over the railing. That was the last time they’d been together. He thought back to his decision to leave the Syndicate and the note he’d left her, that he’d meet her by the graveyards, not in them. He had hoped that she’d meet him halfway, and they could walk the rest of the way together. He’d waited and waited, a wet collection of cigarette butts piling at his feet and the bouquet of roses wilting in the rain. And when he lit yet another, he knew that she wasn’t coming, he’d walked all the way and there was no sign of her. He remembered the ache in his heart as he left the cemetery, that the only woman he truly loved did not have the courage to follow her heart as he had followed his. His mind strayed for a moment, and he was back in the present. His mind flickered to thoughts of Faye.

Faye was a woman who had the courage to face head on whatever obstacles were set in her path. He had no doubt of that. She had encountered tremendous obstacles since her cold sleep awakening, yet she still fought to survive. She was an annoying shrew that seemed to find pleasure in irritating him, but when they went out together after bounties, they worked as a team. They had each other’s backs and he trusted her just as he knew that she trusted him. She had proven that time and again.

He knew how she felt about him, he’d seen it in the way she watched him when she thought that no one was looking. He knew it by the way she waited up for him when he returned to the Bebop after a drinking binge, pretending to be watching some late night Earth flick. He remembered the times she’d come to save his ass, the time he’d tumbled from the cathedral window, that time when that crazy fuck had tried to off him at Spaceland. And he knew it by the care she took in patching him up after his many reckless escapades, in the gentle way she cleaned his cuts and stitched his wounds. Faye was a woman who would love fiercely and protectively, Faye was a woman who’d hold you tight and never let go. He wanted to feel that way about someone, to feel that way about her, to bask in the comfort of the love that he knew she’d offer if he ever gave his heart a chance to.

So why did his heart drift back to the woman who’d left him waiting, counting the stars in the night?

101 THINGS IN 1001 DAYS

1. Grow an indoor herb garden
2. Complete a scrapbook of vacation 2008
3. Sign up for winter graduate course

Eyes Wide Open

Lost and winter's on the way
And the air is craving in
And the streets are crumbling
But you are with me
Under the downtown city lights
We become statues without eyes
Barely audible
We're froze in time
I have you where I want you
Oh and I need to look away
When the jets are overhead
And the storm is closing in
Yeah something is happening
Beneath the modern cold high rise
We become statues without eyes
Stand at attention
They all align
I have you where I want you
Then it all aligns
It all aligns
I have you where I want you
We are statues without eyes
We were statues without eyes
We are statues without eyes

---

Faye went rigid at the contact and she glanced up at him uncertainly.

"So, Romani, cat got your tongue?" He watched her as his lips curled into a faint smile.

Faye looked away as she tried to pull out of his grasp, but he was quick, trapping her wrists within his hands.

"Once there was a tiger striped cat … " he continued softly, the smile reaching his eyes as he gazed down at her. When he felt her small hands tighten into fists, he knew how much she probably wanted to punch his lights out at that moment. Faye was a little thing, but she had a lot more strength than men gave her credit for; he, however, wasn't one of them. But he made sure that his grip was secure.

Faye glared at him, not believing that he would actually try to subject her to that stupid cat story she'd overheard him reciting to Jet when he thought he was leaving for good. She refused to stay silent through a retelling. She fought the urge to punch something, preferably his face since, unfortunately, her hands were tied up in his.

"What do you want, Spike?" she asked, her eyebrow twitching ever so slightly as she narrowed her eyes at him.

"Come back to the ship."

"Why?"

"I've already told you why."

"Why should I believe anything you have to say?"

"Jet wants you to come back. Believe me, I'm only doing this for him." Spike winced inwardly as he realized he had slipped up. His thoughts drifted momentarily as he wondered to himself why he was even bothering trying to convince her to return. Still, he wasn't the type to back down from a challenge, and he wasn't about to back off now.

"So?" he grinned idiotically and leaned in towards her face.

"So, was that kiss was from Jet, too?" Faye asked testily, tugging slightly to see whether his grip lessened at all. But she had noticed the almost imperceptible twitch at the corner of his eye, and knew that she'd thrown him, even if just a little.

She took the opportunity to wrench herself from his grasp, ignoring his surprised protest, and she dashed out of the tavern to retreat to the safety of her ship.

---

The pod of the Redtail closed with a hiss, and she wearily slumped against the glass as she recalled the mysterious smile he had given her. Something in the way he'd looked at her had made her breath catch, something in the hidden depths of his eyes hinting at something that he wouldn't say.

She could still feel the impact of his mouth, could still remember the feel of his lips against hers. She rubbed her lips with trembling fingers, as if to erase the taste, of cigarettes with a hint of finality, or possibility.

It had scared her. He scared her.

A tap on the pod glass snapped her out of her reverie, and she twisted in her seat to see Spike reaching to knock on the glass again.

"Open up," he mouthed silently, staring at her with an unfathomable look on his face.

She stared back, expressionless, then shook her head as she turned away.

"Open the damn hatch, Faye," he repeated impatiently, knocking harder on the glass.

She knew he wouldn't leave her alone until she did so. Finally she depressed the button, and as the air from the outside wafted into the pod, she closed her eyes and lay back against the seat.

"What?" she asked wearily, suddenly tired of it all, tired of him, tired of trying to figure him out.

"Faye," Spike said, leaning against the open hatch, his hands in his pockets. His voice was muted, as if from somewhere far away."There's something I've been trying to tell you."

Faye listened, her eyes still closed. She didn't really care what he had to say. She needed to get away from him, from the ship, to be somewhere else where she felt in control of her life. She wasn't in control around him. He made her ache, and she was tired of worrying over him, worrying about what he was thinking, worrying about how she felt about him. She didn't want to feel anything for him. She just wanted to move on with her life.

She turned towards him, waiting for him to continue.

He drew in a sigh as he felt her eyes on him.

"When I came back, when I saw you standing there ..." he said, avoiding her eyes. "I thought, what the hell is she still doing here? But then when I looked at your face -- after you hit me -- " he grinned at her as she huffed and crossed her arms over her chest.

He sighed again and looked down at his shoes, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"When I looked at your face, all I could think was, she's still here. And I was ... I don't know, I ... it felt ... right."

Faye let the meaning of his words sink in. Neither of them knew what to say, each unsure of the other.

Finally, Spike broke the silence.

"So, are you coming back?" he asked, still looking down.

"Yeah," she answered quietly.

Girls and Boys

I want a girl with lips like morphine,
Knock me out every time they touch me.
I wanna feel a kiss just crush me,
And break me down.
Knock me out (knock me out),
Knock me out (knock me out).
Cause I've waited for all my life,
To be here with you tonight.
I want a girl with lips like morphine,
Blow a kiss that leaves me gasping.And I wanna feel that lightning strike me, And burn me down.

---

Faye looked up at him uncertainly as his words sank in. She opened her mouth to speak, then shut it again. This was unfamiliar territory; Spike admitting to anything was unheard of, and him confessing to her was like a shock to the system. Of the two men aboard the ship, she least expected Spike to be the one to come looking for her – after all, Jet was supposed to be the sensitive one. His words left her feeling vulnerable, and she didn’t like him having that kind of power over her emotions. She couldn't think of anything to say, so she glared at him.

She slid from the stool and turned on her heels to walk away, knowing what his reaction would be when she turned her back on him.

Sure enough, she was stopped in her tracks when he grabbed her wrist, pulling her back. She whirled around to face him, green eyes blazing.

“Don’t walk away from me, dammit,” he growled, tightening his grip.

“Let go,” she snarled, pulling out of his grasp.

“So why the hell did you take off this time?” he demanded, glaring back. “What's wrong with you?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” she snapped back, shoving him vehemently.

Spike stared back at her as he tried not to think about why he’d even gone searching for her. With Faye standing right in front of him with a smug look on her face, he wondered how he ever thought that he needed her. She is the biggest pain in the ass, he thought irritably. He frowned and grabbed her shoulders, trying to shake the answer into her. Faye gave a small grunt of pain until he lessened his grip. He bent down to look into her eyes, his own sudden anger dissolving at the doubt he saw there. She squirmed nervously under his intense stare but boldly kept her eyes locked on his.

“Why can't you just stay on the ship?” he sighed, conscious of how fragile she felt beneath his hands.

“Why can't you answer me?” she murmured as she dropped her eyes and edged away from him.

Spike tightened his grip, preventing her escape, and leaned forward to brush the corner of her mouth with his lips, smiling as she gasped and stared up at him.

“Does this answer your question?” he asked softly and swallowed her surprise with a kiss.

Little Girl Found

It's just one of those days where nothing feels right
It's just one of those days
I'm never going home
I walk among the ghosts
Of all my former loves
And all my future selves
This is the final straw
I'll take you by the throat
I'll shake you like a doll
Just feed my starving heart
Lyrics by Kill Hannah, song is The Collapse

---

Faye looked around for the bartender, raising her perfectly manicured hand for service. She slumped over on her barstool as she waited for him to refill her drink. She didn't know what to do now. She couldn't go back to the ship, not now, not when he was there. She had another dream last night, a memory from her life. She had been happy, vibrant, and she was loved. Then she woke up, and the realization hit her anew that she could never go back, she would never be that happy again.

The bartender refilled her glass, and she impatiently motioned him to remain as she lifted the glass to her lips, downing the contents in one gulp. She raised her eyes to him, waiting for another refill. With an impassive expression, the bartender poured her another, then moved away to tend to his other customers.

Faye took a smaller gulp, morosely returning to her thoughts. She hated when she felt like this, it wasn't like there was anything that she could do to change things. She hated the hopelessness of it all. She remembered reading science fiction as a teen. Well, she was in the future now, why the hell hadn't anyone in this god forsaken time period figure out how to travel through time? Wasn't that what the gates were for? This place was nothing like the worlds she had read about.

She knocked back the rest of her drink, hating herself for remembering. She would have been been better off remaining an amnesiac.

Dimly she heard the sound of the bar door opening. She halfheartedly hoped that one of them would come looking for her, but she didn't hold out too much hope for that. And the curly headed idiot only tolerated her because she made his nightmares disappear. What am I, some kind of stand-in dream catcher? she thought as she reached for her glass, forgetting it was empty. "Just like my life," she mumbled aloud. "Why should I go back there? They don't even like me that much anyway."

"You're wrong," a voice whispered in her ear. Startled from her reverie, she whirled around as the curly headed idiot himself took a seat next to her.

"What the hell are you doing here, following me?" she demanded, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Yes." He gazed at her intently, the mocking smile absent from his face. "I'm here to bring you home."

"Why?" she asked suspiciously, waiting for the punchline.

"I need you," he answered simply.

awa

been away awhile

Home

It's serious, I've got to find you
When I start to feel this way
You mesmerize me, all the time
And I'll hold on 'til tonight
But that's too long
'Cause you're an angel
Oh oh, you're an angel
My crazy angel
My crazy angel 

I hold on so hard
And pray that I won't say something wrong
I look at the stars
And dream that the universe was ours

My crazy angel

---

Hours later, Spike lay sulking on the cot in his too small room, trying to drown out the drone of Jet’s words with his own thoughts. It wasn’t working. 

My woman, he scoffed, recalling Jet’s directive that he had to go bring her back. Yeah, right. If Faye had been here to hear that conversation, she would have pitched a fit, and he didn’t need to guess whose head would have been directly in the path of her wrath.

He sat up and swung his legs to the floor, rubbing his head absently with one large hand. Midway through the gesture, he paused abruptly when he realized that it was exactly what Jet would do when he was worried.

Hmmph, I will not go chasing after her., he thought heatedly. She can come home on her own when she’s good and damned ready.

He glanced at the clock on his dresser, noting that it was long after midnight, and she wasn’t back yet. He got up and shuffled to the door. Faye did have a knack for getting into trouble when he and Jet weren’t around. She could have run into something that she couldn’t handle, and her pride being what it was, she’d be too damned stubborn to call for help.

Maybe she was in trouble.

Or maybe she wasn’t planning on coming back.

Well, damn.

Maybe he should just go find her.

Little Girl Lost

Open your eyes
we're here are you OK
I’d give all I have
just to get you to stay
for so many years in my dreams things were changing
but always your face was the same
I love you to death
love you to death
When you opened up
what you said it was so sad
that no one would notice
if you ran away
then your mascara it ran
don’t you vanish tonight I'm alive just to say
love you to death
love you to death

---

As the army of centipedes marched along his left side, inching its way up his back, he struggled to move. His eye twitched as the throng marched higher up towards his neck. Those bugs had been extinct since the Gate incident, so what were they doing on his ship, crawling on his body? He squirmed as one of the creatures veered off from the main battalion to appear on the right side of his neck, traveling up towards his mouth. In panic, his eyes shot open and he hazily grasped that it had been a dream.

The air in the room was oppressive, and as he wiped his hand across his brow, he was surprised by the amount of moisture that came away. It suddenly hit him that the ship’s ventilation system had malfunctioned. He’d just had the thing overhauled on Earth a few weeks back, waiting for Doohan to complete repairs (again) to the Swordfish. Nope, couldn’t be time for repairs already; the old man was pretty thorough. That left only one possibility.

“Faye...” Jet mumbled to himself as he slid his legs to the floor. He shuffled over to the door and banged the button to exit the room. He stormed down the corridor towards Faye’s room to chastise her about messing around with the ship’s controls, but stopped when he noticed her door was ajar. Faye guarded her privacy like a hawk and would never leave her door open, whether or not she was in the room. And he didn’t need to look in the hangar to know that her ship was gone. Frowning, he headed back the way he came to check the climate control panel. Yep, just like he thought, no coolant in the system.

That wench, he groused, slamming the panel shut. He heard the hiss of a door opening and looked down the hall to see Spike emerging from his room.

“Where the hell is the air on this dump?” Spike asked in irritation, one large hand pushing damp green curls from his face as he dragged himself over to Jet.

“One word,” Jet told him, choosing to ignore Spike’s insult to his ship. “Faye. And she took off.”

Spike's eyes narrowed. “Shit, where’d she go this time?” he demanded. “Damn woman waits until we're on the hottest goddamn planet in the solar system to suck out the coolant?”

“Go find her then,” Jet teased. “She's your woman.”

“Yeah right,” he scoffed, glaring at Jet. “As if.”

Jet disregarded the snide remark. “Anyway, somebody needs to go after her. You know that’s what she wants anyway.” He walked down the hallway and into the common room, dropping into a chair near the computer table.

Spike glanced disbelievingly after Jet. He followed him into the room, taking his own seat on the couch.
“So, what, we’re just gonna chase after her?”

“The girl has issues, you know that, Spike,” Jet chided him. “Every once in a while, she needs to be sure that we really want her here.”

Spike grinned. “Do we?”

Jet gazed at Spike, his eyes boring into the younger man’s. “Do you?”

Spike grin faded and he felt his face grow warm. “What are you saying, Jet?” he demanded.

“Well,” Jet began, rubbing his head and staring into space. “Let’s see, girl saves food for you when you come home late, soothes you out of those nightmares of yours almost every night-”

“Fuck you, Jet.”

Spike wasn’t surprised at how much Jet noticed, him being ex-ISSP and all. But he didn’t have to be so damned annoying about it.

“I’m just saying, seems like you’re the one who’ll suffer the most if we don’t go get her. If you don’t go bring her back.”

“C’mon Jet, you’re kidding right?”

Jet frowned. “Do I look like I’m kidding?”

Spike was silent, his thoughts flashing momentarily to one of his really bad nights. Faye had been right there to calm him, as she had been on so many other nights. As much as he hated to admit it, he owed her.

And yeah, Jet was right. He needed her.

Faye's Song

Froze in our memories again
Soon you'll forget but I just can't
I remember, remember everything
All the times when no ever came to get me
All the nights when I was scared
And when it got too weird
It was the songs that saved my life
It was the songs that saved me  
 

****

That was the problem - he remembered everything.

It was the song of Faye that he heard in his head. Whether stretched out on the couch in the common, or practicing his katas, it was Faye's song that was always foremost in his mind. It was Faye's song that kept the weirdness from overwhelming him. Her song was frozen in his memories.

The song of Faye bitching about the lack of heat on the ship, or the scarcity of food before a bounty.

The songs of Faye were playing in his head as he lay dying on the steps of the headquarters building, waiting for the blood to seep out as his life slipped away. The songs of Faye that gave him the strength to hold on, for just a little longer.

The songs that saved his life.

I Wish I Knew You

Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty,
Sounds of their breath fades with the light.
I think about the loveless fascination,
Under the milky way tonight.

Wish I knew what you were looking for.
Might have known what you would find.
Wish I knew what you were looking for.
Might have known what you would find.

And its something quite peculiar,
Something that's shimmering and white.
Leads you here despite your destination,
Under the milky way tonight.  
 

****

The Bebop passed through the hyperspace gate at Jupiter and began its slow descent through the atmosphere and through the cloud cover, eventually touching down in a spray of foamy waves on the Ganymede sea.

Ganymede was a place that the crew seemed to frequent more often these days, and as only passengers aboard ship, as Jet never failed to remind them, their opinion was not sought whenever they made the sojourn to the green planet. Faye thought that Jet was feeling more nostalgic, and she guessed that it was because of an anniversary of something lost, something that only he would know, and he wasn’t talking. But none of them really minded the diversion; although bounty hunting was a little more lucrative in the days since Ed and Spike had rejoined the crew, they all welcomed the chance to wind down and regroup.

Faye stretched out on the deck, a bright yellow beach umbrella shielding her body from the deck made almost unbearable by the midday Ganymede sun. Under cover of the dark sunglasses that adorned her face, she watched Spike as he sat fishing along the river's edge, feet dangling over the sides, toes just skimming the surface of the water. Every so often, he would dip a foot into the water, causing ripples to drift lazily away towards the sea, then return to his previous hunched posture, emptiness and longing radiating from him in dark heavy waves. She knew this was how he felt because sadness was a feeling with which she was quite familiar. She told herself that she wished she knew what it was that he was looking for, but deep down inside, she already knew.

The first months after his return, he had been uncharacteristically silent, almost like a ghost walking the ship. Faye and Jet had, in the first few weeks, given him his space, knowing what he had lost. But, by the fifth week, Jet had had enough. He gave an ultimatum - get an attitude change or get off the ship.

They went to Ganymede instead.

Bloodletting

It looked like the perfect day
in photos we were smiling
but something was wrong in you

inside you were suffering
lungs were barely moving
I wanted to comfort you ohh no
so I said shhhhhh

oh you'll fix all my cracked broken bones
and replace all my black poison blood

****

He awoke with a gasp. Struggling to breathe, he sat up as the sweat trickled down his neck, leaving the mass of mossy hair in damp curls. After what felt like an eternity, his constricted airway eased, allowing sweet breaths of air to enter his lungs. He inhaled a few shaky breaths as his body relaxed and wiped the sweat from his face.

Spike couldn't remember what he had dreamt, but he figured that it had something to do with his past life. Breathing deeply, he forced his mind to focus on anything else to chase the demons away. As he looked around the room, his eyes fell upon a photo taped to the wall above his desk. Although he was too far away to actually see the picture from the bed, the details were etched in his mind.

The picture had been taken a few months before, during a stopover on Ganymede. Edward had been running around the deck with a camera around her neck, taking pictures of the floor, the door leading to the storage area, Jet's cybernetic arm, Faye's suspenders, Spike's big feet. She now wanted to take "candy-dandy" shots of her Bebop "family," much to their consternation. No one particularly liked posing in front of a camera, and as much as told her so by their protests and their grimaces. Edward's usually impenetrable demeanor was absent; she had looked at them all with as if she wanted to cry.

Spike professed to dislike kids, among other things, like pets and tomboys, but his heart twisted at the look on Edward's face. So, exhaling in an overly dramatic huff, he sauntered over to Faye, and in a sudden move, grabbed her around the waist and proceeded to tickle her. As she sputtered her surprise, he peeked over at Ed, and with a nod of his head gestured to her. A huge smile plastered across her face, she rushed in closer and snapped the picture.

"Edward!" Faye complained in a mixture of giggles and fury. "Spike, if you don't get the hell off me…"

***

Spike smiled at the memory, but the dark edges of his nightmare seeped through to the surface, fraying his nerves. A sudden knock at his door caused his heart to race. Damn, I must be losing it, he thought, letting out a shaky laugh.

The door slid open and light from the corridor illuminated Faye as she poked her head into the room.

"I thought I heard something…" she paused when she saw his face.

He glared at her mutely.

"What's wrong with you?" she demanded, walking over to him and leaning over to peer into his face.

He opened his mouth to fire off a retort, but for some reason, the words stuck in his throat.

"You okay?" she asked, uncharacteristic concern evident in her voice as she sat on the edge of the bed.

As he looked up at her he felt moisture welling at the corner of his eyes. Not now, he cursed to himself as a tear escaped down in cheek. Not in front of her.

Faye looked at him for a moment, then leaned into him, wrapping her arms around him. Spike closed his eyes and allowed himself the luxury of being enveloped in her warmth. She stroked his curls, comforting him as she chased his nightmares away.

"Shhh," she whispered. "Shhhh, it's okay."

Presence of the Past

The past comes back to haunt you, even when you acknowledge the part you played. He did.

Your presence of mind becomes a Presence in mind and body for good,
so you are less affected by the negative pressures and principalities.
Don't resent what comes to light.
Bear the pain of failings.
Don't blame anyone.
Be aware of your past.
As it comes to light don't force don't dig it up.
Be aware of your part of the past or present trouble or involvements.
Noting the compulsiveness of your own behavior and attitudes,
you might then have some compassion upon those
who mistreated you in the past.
Can't help yourself, realize that you condemn ourselves.

As the rain fell, the large heavy droplets pounded against his face so hard that they stung his face. He ignored the burning and trudged determinedly up the incline, the force of the wind threatening to bend his thin frame back the way he had come. In the distance, he could see the docked ship, its port bow shrouded in a thin layer of fog that had surfaced up as the sudden rain collided with the steamy atmosphere of Mars. He stopped to light up a cigarette, cupping his hands to shield the flame from the windy rain. He knew that he only postponing because he was not sure whether they would welcome the sight of him alive. Maybe they would think him a ghost. He realized that his obsession with the past that led to his actions were his to bear alone, even though, had he given them a chance, they would have had his back. And with the way that events had played out in the end, he had no one to blame but himself.

He tossed away the sodden cigarette and continued towards the Bebop. A dim light could be seen in the captain’s porthole, and he wondered vaguely if Jet was preparing the ship for departure. He reached the dock, and listened for signs of the ship powering up for takeoff. He noticed that the ship had been repaired since the Red Dragon assault. He ignored the anxiety he felt within and made his way to the entrance.

Hey Mom, I’m home, he thought wryly, a half-grin adorning his face as he prepared to enter.

Writing

Ooh the joys of writing, although you'd never guess it by the sparseness of my journal.

Blue

Never seen a bluer sky
Yeah I can feel it reaching out
and moving closer
There's something 'bout blue

Asked myself what it's all for
You know the funny thing about it
I couldn't answer
No, I couldn't answer

Things have turned a deeper shade of blue
and images that might be real
maybe illusion
Keep flashing off and on

Free. . .
Wanna be free. . . Gonna be free. . .
and move among the stars
You know they really aren't so far

Feels so free. . .
Gotta know free. . . Please. . .
Don't wake me from the dream
It's really everything it seemed

I'm so free. . .
No black and white in the blue

Everything is clearer now
Life is just a dream, you know
that's never ending
I'm ascending

lyrics: by Tim Jensen

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Blogthings - The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

The Keys to Your Heart

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Grad School and Me

I have been in my first grad school class for about a week now, and I dont feel the same enthusiasm I did when I first decided to go back to school. I don't know, maybe it's a bit of spring fever, but studying is the farthest thing from my mind these days.