Bloodletting

It looked like the perfect day
in photos we were smiling
but something was wrong in you

inside you were suffering
lungs were barely moving
I wanted to comfort you ohh no
so I said shhhhhh

oh you'll fix all my cracked broken bones
and replace all my black poison blood

****

He awoke with a gasp. Struggling to breathe, he sat up as the sweat trickled down his neck, leaving the mass of mossy hair in damp curls. After what felt like an eternity, his constricted airway eased, allowing sweet breaths of air to enter his lungs. He inhaled a few shaky breaths as his body relaxed and wiped the sweat from his face.

Spike couldn't remember what he had dreamt, but he figured that it had something to do with his past life. Breathing deeply, he forced his mind to focus on anything else to chase the demons away. As he looked around the room, his eyes fell upon a photo taped to the wall above his desk. Although he was too far away to actually see the picture from the bed, the details were etched in his mind.

The picture had been taken a few months before, during a stopover on Ganymede. Edward had been running around the deck with a camera around her neck, taking pictures of the floor, the door leading to the storage area, Jet's cybernetic arm, Faye's suspenders, Spike's big feet. She now wanted to take "candy-dandy" shots of her Bebop "family," much to their consternation. No one particularly liked posing in front of a camera, and as much as told her so by their protests and their grimaces. Edward's usually impenetrable demeanor was absent; she had looked at them all with as if she wanted to cry.

Spike professed to dislike kids, among other things, like pets and tomboys, but his heart twisted at the look on Edward's face. So, exhaling in an overly dramatic huff, he sauntered over to Faye, and in a sudden move, grabbed her around the waist and proceeded to tickle her. As she sputtered her surprise, he peeked over at Ed, and with a nod of his head gestured to her. A huge smile plastered across her face, she rushed in closer and snapped the picture.

"Edward!" Faye complained in a mixture of giggles and fury. "Spike, if you don't get the hell off me…"

***

Spike smiled at the memory, but the dark edges of his nightmare seeped through to the surface, fraying his nerves. A sudden knock at his door caused his heart to race. Damn, I must be losing it, he thought, letting out a shaky laugh.

The door slid open and light from the corridor illuminated Faye as she poked her head into the room.

"I thought I heard something…" she paused when she saw his face.

He glared at her mutely.

"What's wrong with you?" she demanded, walking over to him and leaning over to peer into his face.

He opened his mouth to fire off a retort, but for some reason, the words stuck in his throat.

"You okay?" she asked, uncharacteristic concern evident in her voice as she sat on the edge of the bed.

As he looked up at her he felt moisture welling at the corner of his eyes. Not now, he cursed to himself as a tear escaped down in cheek. Not in front of her.

Faye looked at him for a moment, then leaned into him, wrapping her arms around him. Spike closed his eyes and allowed himself the luxury of being enveloped in her warmth. She stroked his curls, comforting him as she chased his nightmares away.

"Shhh," she whispered. "Shhhh, it's okay."

Presence of the Past

The past comes back to haunt you, even when you acknowledge the part you played. He did.

Your presence of mind becomes a Presence in mind and body for good,
so you are less affected by the negative pressures and principalities.
Don't resent what comes to light.
Bear the pain of failings.
Don't blame anyone.
Be aware of your past.
As it comes to light don't force don't dig it up.
Be aware of your part of the past or present trouble or involvements.
Noting the compulsiveness of your own behavior and attitudes,
you might then have some compassion upon those
who mistreated you in the past.
Can't help yourself, realize that you condemn ourselves.

As the rain fell, the large heavy droplets pounded against his face so hard that they stung his face. He ignored the burning and trudged determinedly up the incline, the force of the wind threatening to bend his thin frame back the way he had come. In the distance, he could see the docked ship, its port bow shrouded in a thin layer of fog that had surfaced up as the sudden rain collided with the steamy atmosphere of Mars. He stopped to light up a cigarette, cupping his hands to shield the flame from the windy rain. He knew that he only postponing because he was not sure whether they would welcome the sight of him alive. Maybe they would think him a ghost. He realized that his obsession with the past that led to his actions were his to bear alone, even though, had he given them a chance, they would have had his back. And with the way that events had played out in the end, he had no one to blame but himself.

He tossed away the sodden cigarette and continued towards the Bebop. A dim light could be seen in the captain’s porthole, and he wondered vaguely if Jet was preparing the ship for departure. He reached the dock, and listened for signs of the ship powering up for takeoff. He noticed that the ship had been repaired since the Red Dragon assault. He ignored the anxiety he felt within and made his way to the entrance.

Hey Mom, I’m home, he thought wryly, a half-grin adorning his face as he prepared to enter.

Writing

Ooh the joys of writing, although you'd never guess it by the sparseness of my journal.

Blue

Never seen a bluer sky
Yeah I can feel it reaching out
and moving closer
There's something 'bout blue

Asked myself what it's all for
You know the funny thing about it
I couldn't answer
No, I couldn't answer

Things have turned a deeper shade of blue
and images that might be real
maybe illusion
Keep flashing off and on

Free. . .
Wanna be free. . . Gonna be free. . .
and move among the stars
You know they really aren't so far

Feels so free. . .
Gotta know free. . . Please. . .
Don't wake me from the dream
It's really everything it seemed

I'm so free. . .
No black and white in the blue

Everything is clearer now
Life is just a dream, you know
that's never ending
I'm ascending

lyrics: by Tim Jensen

Two of my favorite pictures...

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Blogthings - The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

The Keys to Your Heart

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Grad School and Me

I have been in my first grad school class for about a week now, and I dont feel the same enthusiasm I did when I first decided to go back to school. I don't know, maybe it's a bit of spring fever, but studying is the farthest thing from my mind these days.

Cary Shields and Rent

On April 23rd, I saw Rent on Broadway for the first time. I loved it! And for the first time in many months, I have a schoolgirl crush! On Cary Shields, the actor who played the character of Roger. The storyline could be considered depressing to some, but the feeling that we came away with was very upbeat, hopeful and life-affirming.


Cary Shields

Now I need to find tickets to see the show again!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

This is the beginning.